The EAC - Technology

EAC Technology Catalog
Animated Mind Control Laser

Welcome to the EAC Labs technology catalog. Here the featued technology available to our field operatives and members will be presented. This list is not completed at present due to a recent redistribution of personnel in our technology department. All items are available at EAC headquarters and continental distribution hubs.

Anti-Rapture Helmet MK 2 Anti-Rapture Helmet Mark II: Undoubtedly the EAC's most popular piece of hardware, the A-R Helmet MK 2 is gauranteed to prevent any extraneously generated movement by a diety, keeping the wearer firmly on the ground and in touch with reality. The mark 2 featues a variety of impovements including an auto-timer which will activate the helmet in the event that you should be so surprised by the ascending Christians that you forget to turn yours on. All recent models have been tested in artificially simulated rapture to ensure that no atheist need spend an etenity with the Christians and their god.

Irony-Meter Irony-Meter: While incredibly valuable for detecting particularly ironic statements made by biblical fundamentalists, the Irony-o-Meter is also a rather dangerous device, prone to overload due to...well...due to the sheer stupidity of some things that fundies say. The Irony-o-Meter measures the amount of Irony in a theist's statements, both converting it to an easy-to-understand read-out and tracking its precise location with advanced FUNDAR technology. Due to the Irony-o-Meter's tendency for explosive overload, the Mk VI and VII versions are equipped with a standard auto-shutdown mechanism in case of emergency. Modern Mk VII versions use an LCD monitor which also includes an intensity warning bar, allowing an atheist to turn off his Irony-o-Meter before an emergency shut-down is called for.

Pascalometer Pascalometer: Despite its name, modern Pascalometers are designed to pick up every known theological fallacy, and using global positioning technology, pin the source of the fallacy down to the nearest couple of meters. The most recent (Mk V) Pascalometers have satellite up-links straight to one of the EAC's orbital satellites, allowing information about dozens of logical fallacies all over the globe to be brought up in a matter of seconds. As an added note, Mk II and later versions included the estimated probability of actually losing Pascal's Wager. However, due to limited space, all except the fully digital Mk V versions only displayed the digits from one-hundred trillionths to one-ten-quadrillions.

God-o-meter God-o-meter: In the early days of the EAC, a gigantic array of wires and tubing was assembled in the great hall of the EAC Headquarters, designed to measure the presence and possible activities of any diety, the giant needle lay perpetually at zero as a testament to the EAC cause. Today the God-o-meter as it came to be known, has been condensed into a portable, if not conveniant, size for smaller outposts and member residences. Modern God-o-meters can be tuned to a variety of dieties and can detect the degree of worship any such ceature is recieving in a given area.

Fundie Sensitive Glasses Fundie Sensitive Glasses: In order to protect our operatives from potentially distracting cases of extreme fundamentalism, the EAC labs have developed the Fundie Sensitive Glasses. Utilizing a revolutionay new substance, the lenses in a pair of FSGs will now turn totally opaque when brought within proximity of a religious fundamentalist, protecting the wearer from all visual stimulus. Technicians are currently developping an FSG which will lock out only the fundamentalists, allowing the wearer to continue unimpaired. Newer models also available with red-blue stereoscopic 3-D enhancement.

Portions of entries of Pascalometer and Irony-meter contributed by Kyle Marquis.
All images Copyright 1998 - Jasper L. McChesney.

	Anti-Rapture Helmet Mark II: Undoubtedly the EAC's most popular piece of hardware, the A-R Helmet MK 2 is gauranteed to prevent any extraneously generated movement by a diety, keeping the wearer firmly on the ground and in touch with reality. The mark 2 featues a variety of impovements including an auto-timer which will activate the helmet in the event that you should be so surprised by the ascending Christians that you forget to turn yours on. All recent models have been tested in artificially simulated rapture to ensure that no atheist need spend an etenity with the Christians and their god.
	Irony-Meter: While incredibly valuable for detecting particularly ironic statements made by biblical fundamentalists, the Irony-o-Meter is also a rather dangerous device, prone to overload due to...well...due to the sheer stupidity of some things that fundies say. The Irony-o-Meter measures the amount of Irony in a theist's statements, both converting it to an easy-to-understand read-out and tracking its precise location with advanced FUNDAR technology. Due to the Irony-o-Meter's tendency for explosive overload, the Mk VI and VII versions are equipped with a standard auto-shutdown mechanism in case of emergency. Modern Mk VII versions use an LCD monitor which also includes an intensity warning bar, allowing an atheist to turn off his Irony-o-Meter before an emergency shut-down is called for.
	Pascalometer: Despite its name, modern Pascalometers are designed to pick up every known theological fallacy, and using global positioning technology, pin the source of the fallacy down to the nearest couple of meters. The most recent (Mk V) Pascalometers have satellite up-links straight to one of the EAC's orbital satellites, allowing information about dozens of logical fallacies all over the globe to be brought up in a matter of seconds. As an added note, Mk II and later versions included the estimated probability of actually losing Pascal's Wager. However, due to limited space, all except the fully digital Mk V versions only displayed the digits from one-hundred trillionths to one-ten-quadrillions.
	God-o-meter: In the early days of the EAC, a gigantic array of wires and tubing was assembled in the great hall of the EAC Headquarters, designed to measure the presence and possible activities of any diety, the giant needle lay perpetually at zero as a testament to the EAC cause. Today the God-o-meter as it came to be known, has been condensed into a portable, if not conveniant, size for smaller outposts and member residences. Modern God-o-meters can be tuned to a variety of dieties and can detect the degree of worship any such ceature is recieving in a given area.
	Fundie Sensitive Glasses: In order to protect our operatives from potentially distracting cases of extreme fundamentalism, the EAC labs have developed the Fundie Sensitive Glasses. Utilizing a revolutionay new substance, the lenses in a pair of FSGs will now turn totally opaque when brought within proximity of a religious fundamentalist, protecting the wearer from all visual stimulus. Technicians are currently developping an FSG which will lock out only the fundamentalists, allowing the wearer to continue unimpaired. Newer models also available with red-blue stereoscopic 3-D enhancement.