Dogstar
has decided to start keeping a journal, a running record of what he is
going through on this unique Journey of the Soul. He scribbles his self-observations,
thoughts, & reflections in a cheap spiral notebook he got at the Warlock
General Store. He writes on the wobbly rotting table that comes with the
place. Rickety tables seem to be a constant feature with him, a metaphor
of the shaky legs that hold up his life.
Here is a typical
excerpt of what Dogstar writes in his journal:
"Well,
I'm here. Well, I think I'm here. Well, maybe I'm not altogether here.
I'm not really very sure what I'm trying to do here anyway. There's not
really very much to do in this place. Except live. But where else do I
really have to go anyway?
"It's
actually raining out there, which is strange for this time of the year.
Ice is forming on the trees. The streams between the mountains are over-running
with water. The rain is pattering steadily on the tin roof of this inner-woods
palace. I had a hard time getting the fire going this morning because the
wood got so wet. For two whole hours, I spent trying to get a few twigs
going, then I had to gradually dry the wood piece by piece until it was
going strong.
"I can
see my breath in here as I attempt to write this with frozen fingers. My
words scrawl across the thin lines of the paper. I'm not really sure why
I'm keeping this journal for. Ain't nobody but me reading it. For posterity,
I guess, if there is any.
"Fuck
it, that's all I can think of for today."
"It
seems to have cleared up somewhat today, although for some reason, it has
become very cold. The extreme cold days seem to follow the relatively 'warm'
days - for some meteorological reason I can't fathom. The freezing rains
of yesterday have formed an icy glaze over the tiny windows of this place.
The wood was dryer so at least I didn't have as much trouble getting the
fire going this morning. I had to use my hand-ax to hack out chunks of
ice from the rock-hard stream to get some to melt for the water. Man, this
winter is icy hell!"
"Finding
this place was a good thing. I don't think I'm the type who could 'rough
it' in the cold in a tent like I was Admiral Byrd exploring the cold wastes
of Antarctica. I kind of stumbled on this place last autumn when I was
doing an exploration in this neck of the woods. I got lost trying to cut
through from one path to a road I was trying to get to, & lo, behold!,
I bumped into this place way out in the middle of nowhere. It looks like
it was used as a deer hunter's hut; when I first went in here; there were
a bunch of copies of 'Field & Stream', some nude girlie cut-outs on
the walls, &, of course, empty cans of beer & an empty bottle of
Jack Daniels. Anyway, I don't think anyone is going to be interested in
using it in this season. It might have been some pioneer's place before
it was a hunter's hut - I see evidence of a grown-over field nearby. There
are no roads or paths leading here - I have to bush-whack my way in &
out of here. It's surrounded by miles of woods, so I don't think anyone
will disturb me way out here while I indulge in my 'meditations'.
"It's
not a bad place. It doesn't have electricity, but I'll make do. I kind
of miss turning on a stereo & having strobe lights, but I'll live.
It's kind of creaky-creepy - there are a few small holes in the walls I
had to nail over with tin & shingles. The floor's a bit rotted here
& there - gotta watch my step here. There is this fairly comfortable
old single bed & mattress in the corner - though a bit moldy, mousy,
& stinky. The woodstove is fortunately sturdy enough to be functional,
though in real cold weather, I have to huddle up right next to it. There
is a shaky chair & this wobbling table for writing & eating on.
There are raggedy curtains on two small windows facing the 'front' &
the northeast. Through the bare trees, I can see the peak of the Big One
over there, so there's even a bit of a view. There's no plumbing - I have
to piss & shit in the woods like a bear. The door was wide open &
unlocked when I got here & there was a pile of wood, a hand-ax, &
a saw next to the woodstove. It's almost as though it were designed especially
for someone such as me who wants to hide away from the world & meditate
for awhile. Goddess works in mysterious ways, I suppose."
"It
is snowing today. It is snowing in huge flakes & is rapidly adding
a foot or two to what is already there. I had to brush a lot of it off
the wood while I was collecting it. (I'm going to have to get a polyethylene
tarp for my stash real soon.) Water is not too much of a problem; all I
have to do is scoop up chunks of snow in my buckets & melt it. Everything
has its ups & downs & its ins & outs.
"This
sure is a weird winter. It snows one day, then it rains the next day, then
it freezes over the day after that, then it all thaws away the day after
that, & you think it's going to be spring at last, but nope, no such
luck, there's another ton of snow & sleet the day after. I suppose
the big civilization - that grand megalopolis down the river & the
East Coast - must be wrecking havoc with the inversion layer or whatever
it is, & thus drastically affecting the winter weather patterns, &
weather patterns in general. There's been some speculations about a 'Greenhouse
Effect', which means the pollution is trapping the solar heat in &
warming the earth's climate up a bit - to the extent that the ice caps
will melt & the big coastal cities will go underwater. Oh well, no
great loss. I can live without New York City, I suppose. The old-timers
in the general store in Warlock have been chatting about it (what else
do they have to talk about this season, except politics & sports?)
& they confess they've never seen anything like it.
"So,
because of the general situation out there, I am confined in here, doing
my time in an abandoned cabin in Warlock, feeding logs to the ever-devouring
flames. Maybe I ought to use all this spare time I have to write a book
or something. I don't have the slightest idea what I would write a book
about, though. Maybe I could write a book about my life story. Ha! Who
would believe it?
"I have
to admit it's kind of nice to be here. I sure am glad I'm not in that maddening
place, 'Cloud 9 Lounge', in Wheatfield, or that bizarre University Town
anymore. Man, I was into some really crazy shit down there. It was inevitable
that I find a place like this to get away from all that.
"It was
either this or winding up in a loony bin again. This sure beats being in
a loony bin, tho. I can do with my time whatever the hell I want to do.
There's no nurses here to tell me when I've got to get up or when I'm going
to have to drag my ass down to occupational therapy.
"Well,
I think I'm going to get down to the main business I'm here for & start
practicing meditation today. I keep saying that, but dammit, I'm going
to do it today! I'm going to make myself meditate for a whole fucking hour.
That's not too much to ask, is it? After all, in a place like this in the
middle of winter, there's nothing much else to do."
"I
hope whoever owns this place (if anyone does) doesn't mind me staying here
for a little while. I don't think anybody comes around here at all, except
for deer hunters in the late fall & teenagers looking for somewhere
to party during the warmer months. It's situated not far from Warlock at
the base of Warlock Mountain, the north-east side. Warlock's a pretty under-populated
little township; I've always wanted to live around here. Since it's so
snow-bound in this mysterious deep dark forest, I don't think anyone will
disturb me in my levitating meditations for the next couple of months.
This is a perfect place to wait out the winter.
"I sure
had a hard time getting off those downers at first. Fortunately, I still
had some in a bottle with me when I got here, & steadily tapered off
my dose. The first three days of absolute withdrawal were a real drag.
To make it worse, I was also kicking a tobacco-nicotine habit which wasn't
easy either. I lay in the bed & hallucinated all kinds of weird things.
I had to smoke most of my pot to get me thru those crucial days, &
now I don't have too much of that left either. I'm keeping what I have
left for special occasions, tho I'm beginning to wonder if I may as well
smoke it all, because I don't see what kind of 'special occasions' are
going to come up in this situation. I'm glad I kicked that stupid downer-habit,
tho - any chemical habit is a real hassle - especially when you don't have
any more coming.
"Well,
at least I don't have to spend night after night washing dishes in that
crummy 'Cloud 9' restaurant. That's got to be the stupidest job I ever
worked at in my whole life. I can't believe I spent three years of my life
in that place. I'm glad I burned it down. That was my special going-away
present. It definitely had it coming to it. That place had bad vibes.
"Now,
all I have to do every day is saw up wood for an hour or two, keep the
stove going, & chop up water to melt. O well, you have to pay some
sort of price for your physical existence, I suppose. I have to admit it
helps keep me grounded, this sheer struggle for warmth & existence.
It gives me something to do, helps me keep my perspective, so I don't space
out too much.
"Never-the-less,
I sort of wonder what I'm doing here."
"Another
day, more of the same thing. Today it has cleared up & the sky is crystal
blue. Just thought I'd let you know that. It's very important to take note
of things like that. It's as if to maintain my sanity, I must jot down
the daily weather report first thing when I get up.
A fierce wind
is blowing the snow out there into wave-like dunes. If you squint your
eyes a little, it is easy to imagine it as white sand in a wintry desert.
I stand at the stoop of the front door & look out upon this happening
right on my own front yard. (Get a load of how quickly I refer to this
as 'mine' - possession is a state of mind.)
"I have
something to admit to any of you who might have discovered this after I
am long dead & gone. Frankly, I'm bored. There's nothing to do here.
There's no stereo to listen to. I didn't bring any books, so there's no
books to read nor is there any reading material to speak of in the Warlock
General Store. I've decided not to have any kind of entertainment what-so-ever
here to become lost in - I feel I must become my own entertainment. A scary
experiment.
I'm snowed
in here & there's nobody to talk to. I don't have any drugs to do.
There's no girlfriend to make it with. There's no electric light to keep
me awake after dark. Sometimes I take long naps in the afternoon after
I've gotten the stove going. I may as well hibernate. I don't have a job
to go to. I'm at the mercy of my own mind. I'm becoming a loony hermit
who talks to himself (or in this case, who writes to himself) all the time.
"I've
been trying to get into meditation because that's a good thing to do when
you're in a situation like this. For an hour every day now, I sit crosslegged
on the bed, facing the front so I can see the Big One out the window thru
the trees (when the weather permits). I breathe deeply (that is, as deeply
as I can with my smoke-shallowed lungs), & I inwardly chant 'OM' with
each in-breath & out-breath. I don't know what I do it for, but it
seems to quiet my mind somewhat, tho it still continues to make a lot of
background noise. I suppose I'll have to try a little harder.
"Never-the-less,
dammit, I'm still bored."
"Now
it's sleeting. What next? I had to carry in armloads & armloads of
wood to keep it from getting buried under the assault of sleet - otherwise
I'd have to chop it out the next day. Glaze is forming on the little windows
again. I'm keeping a bucket outside & letting it fill up for my daily
water. O well, I seem to be surviving one way or the other.
"You
know, it's a real pain-in-the-ass to take a shit in these conditions. I
mean literally. Since there's no toilet here, I have to go a few hundred
yards into the woods, expose my ass to the freezing wind, sleet, snow,
rain, or whatever, bend over & get it all out, wipe a few times with
a roll in hand, then kick some snow over it. If I have to take a pee, I
don't even bother to go out there, I just piss in a bucket. Maybe I ought
to shit that way, but I'm not sure if I could handle the smell in here.
If I ever get out of this, I sure am going to appreciate flush toilets
again. O well, it's all part of the package of physical existence.
"It's
just the usual thing. I'm bored. I'm bored & I've got nothing to do.
I guess I'll just have to live with that boredom, go into it, ride it out
somehow. Boredom is part of the price for enduring physical existence.
Ho-hum, how boring this is. If you're not bored at least some of the time,
how can you appreciate excitment when it comes around? Not only that, it's
possible to have so much excitment, you get jaded to it, & you get
bored with that, too. So much for my boringly repititious discourse on
boredom.
"I've
run out of chili & now I'm working on a tremendous bag of rice. I mix
it with some canned stewed tomatoes. It's not so bad. When you have practically
nothing, you appreciate those small things in life more. Dinnertime is
a big part of my day here. I really get into it - just tasting those stewed
tomatoes like they were caviar or something.
"I'm
making an effort to meditate more intensively, but my mind still keeps
wandering around a lot. It scurries frantically around like a harried rat
trying to escape from its cage. I've increased my meditation sessions to
doing it twice a day, one after I've gotten the stove going in the morning,
& the other in the evening after my delicious meal of rice & stewed
tomatoes. That seems to be a pretty good pace. Gotta keep trying.
"I
don't know how much longer I can go on like this. Yesterday, it turned
relatively warm & it started thawing, making floods everywhere, making
it all squishy & mucky. I nearly ruined my army boots getting them
so wet while tramping around for wet wood. Now, today it is super-cold
& all that was wet yesterday has frozen over, making solid, extremely
slippery ice-sheets all over the surface of the snow.
"When,
O when is this long, gruesome winter ever going to end? I feel tempted
to hang all this up & return to the cradle of civilization. It would
be nice & warm there, all I'd have to do is turn up the thermostat
a little & it'd be warmer, rather than spend hours feeding this damned
wood stove. There would be females of my species there & I could get
laid. There would be nice warm baths around there; I haven't had one of
those in weeks; I'm reeking like a skunk. I could get another drug connection
- pop some valiums & feel all smoothed out. All the modern amenities
are just waiting for me, if I only would come back. I can hear them singing
to me like the Sirens tempting Ulysses & his crew.
"But,
nope, I'm going to have to put the time-honored wax in mine ears &
pass these temptations by. I'm the archetypal Buddha sitting under his
Bodhi tree - Jesus in the wilderness. Someone has to do it, that's all.
I'm the next sucker in the line.
"I've
gotta stay here until I have achieved the necessary focus to see what it's
all about for once & for all. If I go back there now, it'll be more
of the same craziness, & I certainly don't need that. Yessirree, folks,
I, Dogstar, am on the one & only eons- honored Vision Quest. I can't
advance beyond this stage until I've had one.
"I don't
have a hell of a lot of money right now. The checks I have been getting
from dear old departed Grandpa have been for smaller amounts of monetary
credits with which to exchange for basic necessities & meanwhile, inflation
makes all that increasingly worthless. There's going to be a super economic
depression coming soon. My current funds are dwindling. I ran out of stewed
tomatoes yesterday, so today I'm eating plain rice. Maybe I could go down
to the grand old Warlock General Store & buy some cheap margarine to
put on the rice. Yummy.
"I don't
know, tho, they, the old-timers who hang out there & gossip about who's
screwing who in the community, look at me kind of funny whenever I go there.
I don't really know how to account for my recent appearance in their town
to them. They look at me like I'm demon-possessed or something. Perhaps
there's a mad gleam in my eyes. There's some strange religious hippie commune
near here, so they probably assume I'm one of those.
"Meanwhile,
my cheapo, no-guarantee, no-money-back Japanese L.E.D. watch stopped right
in the middle of a digital pulse a few days ago. I got pissed off at it
& tossed it out in the woods. It stopped at precisely 12:00 Midnight,
Feb. 23, 1984 I wonder if that means anything in particular. On these Vision
Quests, you gotta check everything - can't leave anything to chance, you
know. Now, I don't even have the crutch of time anymore. I can't just glance
at my wrist-watch & pin-point myself as being at some particular fix
of time. It's kind of scary in a way. I'm on my own now. What will I do
without my precious time?
"Well,
I've gotta go back to work now. I've gotta get back into what I'm here
for. I'm going to do it this time - I'm going to start meditating again.
I'm going to levitate my consciousness. Gotta keep that silly monkey-mind
from rambling all over the place. Gotta find the Answer somehow. Stay tuned."
"It
is early evening in this rickety habitation where I currently dwell. The
snow outside is coming down in buckets after buckets (great drinking water!)
(gotta scoop it up in the nick of time!). All the while, the winds howl
& howl attempting to break in here. The shack shakes & wobble at
the onslaught. I wonder if it will last the night. Perhaps I will wake
up in the middle of the night with no roof. Well, if it's survived this
long, maybe it'll make it a little longer.
"Meanwhile,
I am writing this by the light of a kerosene lantern I found stored away
in a cupboard. The light is flickering peculiar shadows on the walls. If
I squint my eyes, I can see monsters & faces. The woodstove is red-hot,
filled to the brim. I am having a nice warm cup of tea. Living in this
kind of simplicity really makes one appreciate the more usual things in
life. How cozy & peaceful this is!
"Man,
I had the weirdest experience today. I was going out for a hike on a clear,
but windy day. It was very cold. A lot of clouds were moving across the
sky, shooting across from one end to the other like a bunch of Japanese
bullet trains. It looked like there was a damned good chance of some snow
falling, but somehow I didn't care, I had to get the exercise. I was exploring
a rather slippery ice-glazed road behind Warlock Mountain, trying to find
out where it might go.
"As usually
happens on these sort of expeditions, I wound up somewhere else. I kept
following this road & was really far away from it all. I was wondering
whether this road was going to go anywhere at all. It went up over the
crest of a high divide between two great big mountains, then there was
an abandoned field, from which I could see an unexpected view of some mountains
I'd never seen before towards the southeast. It was a good view & I
stopped to look at it for awhile, sitting on a rock. This was late in the
afternoon.
"Just
then, it decided to snow. It did more than just snow. It was a fucking
blizzard. I was way out there in the middle of nowhere. I was in for it.
I was probably several miles away from here & that's a long way in
the winter on foot. I guess I should have listened to my internal intuitive
weatherman which warned me not to go far this day.
"The
snow whirled & whirled around me & I couldn't see a damned thing
thru the maze of haze. I hurried back down the road, slipping flat on my
ass a good many times. Every now & then, I stopped & listened to
the howl of the wind, utterly hypnotized (which they say isn't a good idea;
you can freeze to death that way). I was surrounded by a wall of swirling
flakes. I stopped, listened, & heard a wailing in the midst of the
howling winds, wondering if there was a bunch of chanting Tibetan lamas
out there in that neck of the woods. The surrounding whiteness was like
the Ultimate Void. I wondered if this was it - time to be One with the
White Light.
"Sometimes,
merely a few feet away from me, I could hear the sound of this creature
weeping & sobbing, saying: 'Please help me. Please don't run away from
me now. Please don't reject me like all the others.' I ignored it, figuring
I was having some sort of genuine, authentic auditory hallucination brought
on by the extreme shock of what was happening to me. They say that happens
just prior to serious mortal danger of freezing in a snow storm. Then,
believe this or not, I see this big furry giant with a humanoid face. It
keeps beseeching me to try to accept it & understand it. Boy, if that
isn't weird, I don't know what it is.
I was beginning
at this stage to feel like I was going under. Somewhere out there, apparently,
the sun must have set & departed from the world, because, boy, it was
getting mighty dark all of a sudden. I must had taken the wrong turn back
there trying to find me way back. The whole series of roads around this
woods is like a big labyrinth. Before I knew it, I was somewhere in the
middle of the pathless woods, amidst a dense tangle of closely-growing
Hemlock trees, waist deep in the snow, sinking in the stuff like icy quicksand.
I just didn't
know where the hell to go. I was seriously beginning to consider the possibility
that I might freeze to death out there. My hands & feet were getting
numb. I was finding it difficult to move. The terror hit me & I started
screaming at the top of my voice, trying to out-shout the voices of the
howling banshees of the whirling winds, in some vain hope that someone
might hear & rescue me. I begain to feel quite heavy & sleepy.
How nice it would be to just lie there & take a very, very long nap.
"Then,
believe this or not, what comes towards me then & there is this archaic-
looking light. The light was coming from a medieval lantern which was held
aloft by a long-bearded old man wearing a gray cloak & hood. He was
carrying a wooden staff & he floated just three inches off the top
of the snow. I thought I was having the hallucination of my life. He smiled
kind of reassuringly at me & said: 'Don't worry about any of this.
Let me help you. I will show you the way home. Just follow me.' He looked
familiar from somewhere, though I couldn't quite place where at the time,
probably some character I'd encountered in my various occult studies.
"He walked
away, beckoning me to follow him. He seemed to know his way about. I figured
what the hell, what do I have to lose. He led me back to the road again.
The light from his lantern gave off a strange warmth which helped my frostbite
problem. I just followed the light, which he continued to hold high above
him the whole way. I was fascinated by the illumination it gave in the
midst of the dark swirling snow. Along with him, I found myself floating
slightly above the snow, too. I wondered if this was some nice dream I
was having & I had really fallen asleep back there & this was the
eternal sleep of sweet death. The old man, as tho reading my thoughts,
turned to me, smiled weirdly, & said:
"'Don't
worry. This is all quite real. On this level, that is. You'll get there.
We will all get there someday.'
"I had
a feeling there was some sort of hidden significance to all this. Anyway,
it was not long before he had me safely escorted back to here at last.
He departed, saying these enigmatic words:
"'You
will see, this is all a Dream. The day is coming when you will assuredly
Wake Up. Just keep trying. Just keep doing what you're doing. Do not get
lost in the Illusion again. Keep your eyes fixed upon the Light. I am the
bearer of the Light which is always shining from Eternity unto Eternity.'
"Before
I could ask him more, he just vanished into the background of the snow.
When he was gone, I found myself right in front of this shack.
"Now,
I am left here, setting this down, trying to figure out what that was all
about. I'm just glad to be back here intact in this physical body. That
was a close call."
"The
sun shines bright reflections off the snowy trees into this shack. How
deep lies the snow out there - I can barely walk in it! I suppose I may
as well stay inside today & just be glad that I've made it this far.
"You
know, sometimes I think I must be the Main Character in a rather badly-
written book. The plot doesn't make any sense & the characters are
all quite unbelievable. The Author doesn't have his scenes realistically
intertwined with one another & there are quite a few contradictions
here. Sometimes the same scene or character is described in a completely
different way! He keeps turning the same material over & over as if
he were flogging a dead horse that refuses to move the story - some mad
attempt to generate a few more words to reach the requisite length for
a novel.
"The
book is so badly written that no one the Author sends it to will publish
it. There is so much to edit that the publishers don't want anything to
do with it. The material is utterly impossible to categorize - it is not
science fiction, it is not a mystery novel, it is not an adventure novel,
it is not literary in the usual sense of the word, & it is certainly
not anything the average reading public would buy or be the least bit interested
in. They simply scan the opening words & send it right back in the
self-enclosed return envelope with the usual form letter of rejection.
"Finally
the Author tries to raise the money to publish it himself & give it
away. Perhaps he makes mass photocopies of it. Or maybe he'll become a
computer hacker & try to put it in people's computers. Then he finds
that he's stuck with all the copies. He takes to wandering through the
bookstores & the owners shake their heads & say they don't want
it. He gives it away to friends & relatives, who never get around to
reading it & finally throw it out with last year's magazines.
"Yes,
perhaps I am the victim in this awful novel. The novel has neither a happy
ending or a sad ending - it just drops off somewhere in the middle of things
to leave the reader wondering what the fuck that was all about? Why couldn't
I be in a really good novel?
"If this
is so, I will make a plea to the Author to get his act together & do
a better revision of all this so it makes some grain of sense. I just make
a request that it have a happy ending - that I finally find what the Meaning
of this Novel is. I fervently pray to You, O Great Author, that you get
this right & help me reach a catharsis that will move the audience
& make some small contribution that will change this world for the
better.
"O well,
that's my prayer for the day. Now I'll buckle down to business & continue
to meditate. May the Author be with me!"*
*(Note from
the Author: "Give me a break, Dogstar. I'm trying!")
"It
hasn't been a bad day today. The weather in general seems to be getting
clearer, altho a bit hazy. The temperature continues to fluctuate wildly,
tho - for a few hours, it's relatively warm, almost spring-like, then the
next few hours turn freezing cold, then it's warm again, then cooler, &
so on. I wonder how long this sort of thing is going to go on until it's
spring at last.
"I re-discovered
the caves today. I was exploring up this path not too far from here. It
led straight up this ravine going up the mountain. There was a stream underneath
the snow there - I could hear the gurgling & bubbling in the interior
hollow. I crawled up the ravine. Every now & then, the snow would break
loose & I'd get a boot drenched in the water below, & this was
nasty, because that boot would get filled with icy water which soon froze
to ice which made the foot in that boot very, very cold.
"Anyway,
when I got to the top of the ravine, there was a kind of deer path covered
with a lot of deer-tracks which led further up the mountain. Then it dead-ended
where there were the caves I found early last autumn. There are several
of these caves, all interlinked together. Each looks out over a good view
from Warlock Mountain. They go in a circle around the upper part of a steep
side of the mountain, facing different directions, mostly north & east.
Most of the caves are the size of an average room, tho a few are bigger
& go down into the bowels of the earth. There are different layers
of rock along their sides - some of the layers have seashells & sandstone.
It gives a perspective on the earth's history that all this was under the
ocean once upon a time. In a few of them, somebody painted some triangles,
mandalas, circles, spirals, & things like that. Some goofball painted
a picture of some ancient hominids hunting a mastodon.
"These
caves intrigue me for some reason. I feel now, as I felt early last autumn,
a sense of deja vu about them - like I'd been there before or someplace
I was supposed to wind up at. I went from cave to cave, exploring each
one, looking in to see what was inside, looking out at the view each one
has. If it weren't so cold, I could get into living in one of these caves.
Maybe I'll move up there, when spring finally comes.
"I continued
to circle about, getting the feel of each of the caves - each one has its
own peculiar vibe. There were one or two which had the charred remains
of camp fires, some others with bones & discarded beer cans. Seems
like there's hardly anywhere you can go on this planet without running
into a discarded beer can or two. I bet there's one near the South Pole
somewhere.
"Anyway,
when I'd worked my way around the the northeast side, I found myself at
this cave where I heard this voice in my head say: 'Here'. One should pay
especial heed to such voices when embarking upon such an important Vision
Quest as mine, so I decided to stay there for awhile, & see what happens
next.
"The
Cave is a larger one. (I capitalize it because I sense a special sacredness
about it, because it is the Right Place.) It is the size of a small auditorium.
There is a view of the Big One from its 'front porch'. The Big One is only
ten miles away from this point as the crow goes, so it is a grand sight.
I could see thick sedimentary layers of oceanic depths & signs of violent
geological upheavals on its walls. There is a faint smell of bones from
the back of there. I spoke aloud & my voice echoed somewhat within.
It has good acoustics. It looks like it goes downwards somewhere in the
back. I'll have to explore it with a flashlight.
"I sat
down on the floor, clearing out some twigs, & made myself comfortable,
facing out at the view of the Big One. The floor was surprisingly dry.
"I decided
to meditate there for awhile & see what results I get. Sitting in the
traditional cross-legged position, I proceeded to hum out loud:
'OMMMMMMMMMMMMM.....'
with each out-going breath. I got a lot of reverberating feedback off the
walls of the Cave, which soon put me in a weird, spaced- out state. I felt
like I was descending backwards thru the ages. There was one point where
I felt like I was some kind of antediluvian fish swimming thru the depths
of a warm, prehistoric ocean. I don't know how long I wound up staying
there, but when sunset came, I figured I better head on back. On my way
back down the ravine, I was hearing this beautiful celestial music in my
head, unearthly, like thousands of angels humming.
"I think
I've found the Right Place."
"Now
I go up to that Cave every day. It has become the thing to do, a regular
part of my day-to-day activity, like sawing up some wood & getting
the fire going, like gathering snow for water, like taking my daily shit
out in the freezing cold. There's just no way around it, that's all. I
have to go up to that Cave when the sun has reached a certain part of the
sky in the afternoon, after the morning chores are done, & then I must
meditate there until the sun sets. It is the only way off the Wheel.
"I have
developed a personal style of meditation. It comes in three parts: I raise
my arms stretched outwards, my fingers stretched out also, as if I were
worshipping the sun, & I concentrate on the seed-concept: 'ALL'. Then
I hold my hands against one another, in front of my heart, as though I
were saying a prayer, & I concentrate on the seed-concept: 'ONE'. Finally,
I clasp my hands together in my lap, in the traditional meditation posture,
& concentrate on the seed-concept: 'WORLD'. With each part, I take
a deep breath, & hum: 'OMMMMMMMMMM.......', while focusing on each
seed concept. For variation, I hum each 'OM' as a separate note of a three-note
melody. I might make a song out of the words, too. I remain seated crosslegged
on the floor of the Cave thru all this. I face the Big One.
"Get
it? It comes together as: 'ALL ONE WORLD'. Sometimes I substitute 'WHOLE'
for 'WORLD' - it amounts to the same thing really. It intensifies it somewhat
to concentrate on each word one at a time. What I am doing here, besides
trying to promote my own personal enlightenment, is trying to direct the
right vibes which will hopefully have an effect on the state of the world,
which it needs badly. Maybe by continually thinking of it as 'ONE' &
'WHOLE' now, that will make it so. It is also an effort to perceive &
experience the Unity of All That Is.
"I feel
like I'm getting closer somehow. Sometimes, from out of nowhere, I feel
these incredible rushes of happiness & hear more of that awe-inspiring
music in my head. Jesus, if I knew anything about music & could write
that music down or play it, it'd be a fucking Masterpiece!
"I wonder
where this is all coming from?"
"I
made my weekly back-packing trip down to the Warlock General Store today
for another batch of supplies, since my food ran out. It was a clear, sunny
day & the brilliance of the snow caused me to have purple after-images.
It was very slippery with half-melted, half-frozen ice on the paved road.
Because of the way the winter's snow has been piled up, it was hard to
stay out of the way whenever the occasional pick-up truck went by &
I'd wind up getting splashed all over.
"I spent
the last of what I currently have on another huge bag of rice, a few pounds
of butter made by a local organic farmer, some tea, a bit of kerosene,
& some toilet paper. Well, that's that. When I run out of that, I suppose
I'll have to subsist on manna from heaven or eat air like certain yogis
are said to do - until the next check arrives, if it does. There's been
some sort of inexplicable delay lately; could the mail service be on strike?
"While
I was there, I couldn't help but overhear a rather frantic conversation
by some of the old-timers gathered around the wood-stove. It seems that
a big war has begun in the Middle East over who gets the oil fields which
are an important natural resource to fuel the sort of civilization we now
have. It's primarily between the Russians, the Chinese, & the United
States. Millions of young men in the country are being drafted & forcibly
sent over there. The President of the United States has announced today
that use of 'tactical' nuclear weapons is not out of the question. The
Russians have threatened to blow up one of our big cities if the United
States does that. The United States in turn has threatened to blow up all
of Russia, if they do that. Russia has stated that it will blow up all
of the United States if they do that. Meanwhile, the inscrutable Chinese
are wisely holding back & waiting for the other two super-powers to
mutually annihilate one another, which looks likely, so they can move in
on whatever's left over. The mad Arabs are threatening to blow up the oil
fields with their own 'tactical' weapons, which they purchased from the
United States & Russia, unless certain demands are met, such as the
entire world immediately converting to Mohammedism. Meanwhile, the President
of the United States is threatening to blow up Mecca if this happens, all
in the name of 'national security'.
"I took
a glance at the newspapers & it looks pretty bad - huge headlines about
it all over the front page. O boy, I guess this is it - the big Armegeddon
that's been prophisized for years. I wonder if I'll have a remote chance
of surviving the blast from up here. This isn't too close to any really
big cities, but the radioactive fall-out will be everywhere.
"Well,
even if I don't survive it, that's okay, too. The human race is absolutely
insane & I'm tired of being incarnated as a member of this demented
species. I suppose all I can do is stay up here, stay away from all that,
eat rice & butter, drink tea, & meditate for all I'm worth. There's
no point in getting riled up over what those fools are doing. The idiots
are going to destroy the very thing they were fighting to have. I just
want to get off this fucking Wheel I'm caught up on - I'm not even going
to let the destruction of this planet bring me down. Maybe if I can concentrate
hard enough, meditate right, I can direct the right kind of vibes towards
it & somehow manage to keep it from happening. It's worth a try anyway."
"Today
I did something different for a change of pace. It was a beautiful, sparkling
clear day. I went for a hike up to the top of Warlock Mountain. I followed
a trail that was gracefully packed-down by some snowmobilers the past weekend
- I hate the sound of the things, but they sure make a good trail. The
snow was glittering like diamonds that had been reduced to dust. The snow
was like multi-colored sequins as it was gently brushed off the limbs of
the fir trees by an occasional light wind.
"It was
well worth the climb. I went to the top of the tower. I had to kick snow
off the steps & watch out for ice. It was very gusty up there &
I had to hang on tight to the railings to keep from getting blown off.
I was stoned on a little bit of pot I'd just smoked.
"I could
see all the places I'd ever been since I came up here to this New England
country, all the places I used to go on my motorbike when I could still
ride it. I could see the Big One as clearly as if I could reach over &
touch it. I could see towards Snake's Tongue Mountain & the Green Mountains
beyond (where rich people are now skiiing). I could see the Northern Mountains,
Crag Hill, the Stone Tower Mountain, all the way southwards to a little
mountain near Wheatfield, which, thank God, is forever out of my sight.
I could see ranges of some big craggy mountains towards the north-east
beyond the Big One. It had been a long time since I'd been somewhere like
this. It was very bitter cold, tho, so I didn't stay long.
"My feet
got somewhat heavy & frostbitten on the way back. It gets dark so early
this time of the year. My hands, despite the ski gloves I was wearing,
slowly turned to ice. It was so cold, I thought I'd never get back.
"When
I got back, I fed the dwindling fire, cooked up some rice & butter,
& toasted my toes next to the stove. It took me awhile to unthaw. It
is good to have warmth."
"I
find myself having all kinds of weird sexual desires & fantasies during
my meditation sessions - concerning different imaginary people in different
imaginary situations. It keeps coming back to me, no matter how much I
try to put it down. I have been male in many lifetimes & I have been
female in many lifetimes - now, I am able to perceive aspects of both within
me. This is just a phase I am going thru. I try to look at it as a passing
show. Whenever I get these horny feelings, often right in the middle of
intensive meditation, I just relax the muscles in my genitals & let
it do its usual thing, without fighting it. Usually, it just drifts away,
like everything else in the end.
"The
other night, I drank a bottle of rot-gut high-alcohol-content peach wine
I bought down at the Warlock General Store. I inadvertently smoked the
very last of the reefer I had during that time. There wasn't really anything
else I could do while sitting in here, getting slowly drunk, watching the
kerosene lantern flicker, watching the flames devour logs in the woodstove
(which is actually better than T.V., if you're in the right mood). As the
level of the bottle slowly dropped, I thought a lot about my past &
where the hell am I going to go from here. The next day, I had a wicked
hangover & realized that not only was the last of my reefer gone, but
the last of my money was spent. I have burned more bridges behind me. I
can no longer rely on chemical substitutes to get me off - I gotta do it
on my own now.
"It is
a bright sunny day, altho chilly. The Big One sparkles in the distance
right outside my window. I think I'll go out & saw up some wood for
awhile, then go up to the Cave for another round of meditation. I've gotta
keep working at it - gotta keep doing it until I get it. You know, I'm
actually beginning to enjoy those daily sessions of meditation; I'm finding
it a very satisfactory thing to do. I can't wait to get up there!
"Well,
until later."
"I've
started taking up jogging. Now the weather has been getting just warm enough
during the day, so that the snow on the asphalt secondary roads around
here thaws just enough so that I can do that. It's still frozen in the
spots where the shadows of the fir trees cover the road, but I just jog
over that anyway, or walk on the snow on the side.
"I never
thought I'd start jogging, of all things. I used to do it sometimes as
a teenager, but I haven't done it at all the past ten years (except that
horrible stint in basic training where I had no choice). (Or running like
hell from the U.S. & the Viet Cong alike.) (How time flies) (On its
silver wings). The way my lungs are clogged with all kinds of inhaled,
tarry substances, I was surprised to find I could still do it at all. I
started off at a slow pace, then as I started getting my second wind, I
started running faster & faster, until I felt as tho I were flying
above the ground a few inches. It was kind of hard to do with my heavy
boots on & the next day, my heels & ankles were so sore, I could
hardly stand. Yet I persevered & did it again the next day.
"I discovered
that it is a way of getting high. I think what is happening is that the
running causes these endorphins to be secreted in my brain, which is the
body's natural opiate reserved for times of extreme pain & stress,
which causes a nice mellow sensation. Maybe when I meditate a certain way,
this is what happens also - it's like I am gaining control over my body's
own hormonal responses. Anyway, the jogging opens up my lungs & I can
breath more deeply, absorbing more oxygen which gives me another kind of
nourishment. It gives me good exercise, too, & it keeps me warm - I
feel perfectly warm wearing nothing but a wool shirt while doing it.
"The
other day, I jogged all the way down to Jethro & back, a round trip
of 17 miles. I jogged over hills & dales alike. I really got into it.
It gives me a unique sense of freedom to travel like that on my own two
feet."
"I'm
starting to get more into the meditation. Now I'm doing it five days a
week (I figure I need a 'weekend' off every now & then), from right
after the sun has reached its peak until it has nearly sunk. I go up to
that Cave & plug away at it. This thing has become an end in itself.
Sometimes I start to feel that it is meditating me rather than me meditating
it. It is getting hard to tell the difference anymore.
"I've
started refining my technique a bit. When I out-stretch my arms & focus
on 'ALL', I visualize infinite rays extending upwards from the rising or
setting sun. I imagine myself on a beach worshipping it as it comes or
goes. Or I imagine rays coming from a beautiful, multi-colored diamond
hanging out there in space.
"When
I move on to the next stage, folding my hands before my heart & focusing
on 'ONE', I visualize a shimmering, brilliant blue triangle in the back
of my head. Sometimes I can really see it there as if I were looking right
at it with my physical eyes. I hear a low hum in the back of my head along
with it. I think about the Three-In- One or the One-In-Three or something
along that line.
"Finally,
in the third stage, when I am clasping my hands together in my lap &
focusing on 'WORLD', I visualize this entire planet like a lovely blue-&-white
jewel in this solar system. I imagine one whole world, without strife,
without national boundaries, all its various problems solved to the total
satisfaction of all involved. I picture it like that right now, not at
some vague distant point in the future which may or may not happen. Sometimes
I see this blue-white jewel right within the triangle.
"There
are times when I superimpose all three images simultaneously: I see a blue
triangle with infinite rays coming from it with the sapphire jewel of this
planet within it. I can hear choruses of angels singing that IT IS ALL
ONE NOW. It is so beautiful, I hardly know how to describe it.
"You
know what? I really think everything's gonna be okay."
"Today
I jogged over to my old spot in the Northern Mountains, the powerline where
there's a good view. It's only about seven miles from here, so it didn't
take that long to run over there. On my way, some dogs started chasing
after me. They chased me for miles. One of them lightly nipped me on the
leg, but it wasn't anything serious, I just lost a shred of my pants. Finally
they gave up. I found a backroad thru the woods which took me to the powerline
opening. I'm beginning to know my way around this area like the back of
my hand.
"I hadn't
been at this place in a long time, since last late fall, around the time
when it was getting too cold to ride my long- lost motorbike anymore. Now,
it's all covered with two feet of snow. The snowmobilers have helped me
out a bit here tho, packing it down for me. While I was climbing up to
where the view is, trudging under the big powerlines carrying megavolts
of electrical energy, I unconsciously felt around in my shirt pocket for
a joint, then remembered that I'd smoked up all the pot last week during
that rot-gut binge. Kind of ironic in a way. But this time I was sort of
high from the run.
"There
is this one view from up there where I could see back where I'd lived for
so long, over in the direction of Wheatfield & University Town. Once
upon a time, I took a nap here on an Indian summer day. I sat there &
did my meditation exercise for awhile. It occurred to me that I sure have
covered a lot of ground since last fall.
"Then
I got up & trucked on over to where the other view is - of some mountains
north of here. I sat down there in za-zen position & started pondering
on a lot of things:
"Such
as, what is the purpose of all this anyway? It's too complicated, convoluted,
evoluted, & elaborate to be just an accident. If you don't believe
it, try studying biochemistry sometime - it's hard to imagine that all
of those billions of remarkably complex chemical reactions could have just
hit upon each other by sheer accident to make the harmonious whole called
'life'. Look at the intricacy of the veins of a single leaf. So if it isn't
an accident, what did it all come into existence for?
"As I
strolled back, thinking about such deep philosphical matters (& anti-
matters), that super-beautiful music started playing in my head again.
I stopped thinking & listened to it, carried away by it. It told me
that no matter what happens, everything's gonna be okay."
"Well,
another day is unfolding right before my wakening eyes. The days in general
seem to be getting more or less warmer now. There are more clear days than
snowy days. The snow is thawing away by degrees, getting slushier &
slushier as a side-effect. By Jove, I do believe spring is at long last
coming. It won't be long before the birds will be singing again & the
green shoots will be coming up & the flowers will burst & I won't
have to keep feeding this damned woodstove all the time just to give this
place a modicum of warmth.
"Meanwhile,
I'm running low in the food department. I've got a few pounds left of rice
& not much butter. I don't know how long that's going to last. I don't
know what I'll do when it runs out. Maybe I'll take up digging around for
roots or look for green leafy things to eat. Or I could teach myself about
hunting & fishing. But none of that will be very feasible until it's
really warm again.
"I think
what I'm going to do to make my supplies hold out a bit longer is try a
little fasting every few days or so. They say that fasting is good for
the soul & I could stand to lose a little weight, having a slight beer-belly
which I accumulated the past winter down there in Sin-City, that fucked-up-to-hell
place in Wheatfield. Anyway, it can't hurt & maybe it'll clean out
all the various poisons in my drug-abused body. I think I'll fast for three
days, starting tomorrow.
"At the
same time, I think I'm going to spend more time at the Cave & get more
intensively into my meditation-practices. I think I'll start making a full-time
thing out of it - I'll go up there soon after I've awakened & I'll
spend all day long there.
"Also,
to save energy, I think I'll lay off writing in this journal for awhile.
I'm going to quit talking to myself & quit thinking. Starting right
now, I'm going to stop getting into words & get more into the direct
experience of what is. Well, here goes nothing..."
Dogstar
is sitting crosslegged on the floor of the Cave. It is a sunny day outside
& the snow on the peak of the Big One gleams brightly. Snow is melting
very steadily outside the door of the Cave, forming long, skinny icicles
as it drips, drips, drips. Sometimes a thin wispy cirrus cloud passes in
the blue sky above the Big One, then vanishes in the jet-stream miles above
the Earth.
Dogstar is
breathing very deeply, aware of the rumbling in his stomach. He is trying
to meditate, but somehow he keeps thinking of delicious things to eat.
Along with visions of steak dinners & extra large pizzas with everything
on them, he has odd fantasies of pretty young barely pubescent girls performing
long sessions of fellatio on him. He keeps having this urge to just give
the whole thing up, go to the nearest sizeable town, acquire some money
(the root of all evil) somehow, go to a great restaurant, & go out
on the town. Never-the-less, he boldly ignores these urges - he keeps breathing
deeply & watches these fantasies as they pass by.
Interminable
internal dialogues take place inside his head; he philosophizes about everything
under the sun. He analyzes his past, pondering on what he should have said
or should have done instead of what he did say or do. He gets pissed off
at all the unjust things that have been done to him, imagining ways to
get even, to settle the karmic balance. Then it occurs to him that he is
supposed to be meditating & tells all these stupid unbidden thoughts
& daydreams to go fuck themselves. He stares them down until they get
embarrassed & fade away.
By the end
of the day, the rumbling in his stomach has died down a bit. He is just
sitting there on the floor of the Cave, doing his three-fold exercise,
breathing deeply, chanting: "OMMMMMMM.......", watching his breath
go in & out, observing the thoughts & fantasies in his head as
though they were cirrus clouds high in the sky fading away into the jet-stream.
He's just there now.
He is
still sitting there, still working at trying to untangle the threads of
his karma, trying to un-warp the woof, or out-woof the warp, or what-ever
it is. He was a bit unsteady on his feet getting up here this morning &
he has to admit he is still hungry. But at least he is trying & that's
what counts.
After the
first hour or two, the different thoughts & fantasies which pass thru
his head fade out a bit & he's really getting into the meditation,
his brain going into a delta- wave state. Over & over, he focuses on:
"ALL..." "ONE..." "WORLD...", "ALL..."
"ONE..." "WORLD...", "ALL..." "ONE..."
"WORLD...".
He's really
getting spaced out on it. It seems as though there is an eternity between
each phase of the three-fold exercise. He sees the shining blue-ish/violet
triangle before him with rays stretching out infinitely from it with the
ineffably lovely turquoise jewel of this unified planet nestled between
the three holy points. After awhile, the reality of that triangle supersedes
the reality of the Cave he is surrounded by, the Big One out there as usual.
As he steadily
chants: "OMMMMMMM.......", he hears the hum of it reverberating
in the back of his head. He rises upwards with the "A", he peaks
out at the "U", he floats outwards with the "MMMMMMMM......."
He feels as tho he is drifting on the wave-length of a single ray of light
traveling on & on forever & ever on its infinite journey thru-out
the universe, traveling so far it eventually meets with its starting point
again in the vastness of curvaceous space. It is the Original Vibration
which gives rise to all other lesser vibrations which are the energy out
of which all things of form are created.
When he has
ceased to chant, the humming is still singing in the back of his head.
He listens to it for awhile as he watches the sun set. He still hears it
as he returns to the cabin. Where-ever he goes, it is always there.
He feels
like he is planted to his usual spot in the Cave as tho he were growing
roots there. He felt waves of dizziness hit him as he climbed up here today,
but somehow, surprisingly enough, he no longer feels a bit of hunger. His
stomach has shrunk & accepted the fact that it's not going to get fed
in the immediate future, so it's waiting out the hard times. At the same
time, he feels peculiarly energetic; maybe his body is tapping hidden stored-up
reserves. He feels perfectly content to sit right there in that spot on
the floor of the Cave. He hardly feels a thing - as tho he'd smoked some
very fine opium. He sits at his spot & stares out the Cave at the ever-present
Big One.
During the
morning, he does his "ALL ONE WORLD" exercise, then feels too
weak to do it anymore, so he chants: "OMMMMMMM......." for awhile,
as the sun passes across its zenith above. He does it until he hears that
humming in the back of his head.
Then he tries
something different. He just sits there, listening to the hum inside his
head, breathing in, holding it (as tho smoking really good reefer), breathing
out. Steadily he does this, while staring intently at the tip of the peak
of the Big One, not letting his eyes waver for an instant from that point.
He sees fringes of the blue triangle super-imposed over it. As he breathes
in, the jewel within the triangle shines brighter & brighter as tho
it were catching on fire. As he holds his breath, he hears a peculiar 'popping'
noise in the back of his head. As he breathes out, he sees waves &
waves of blue-hue shining outwards towards him emanating from that peak-point
he has his eyes fastened upon. Everything he sees is tinged with blue-hue.
Everything he sees becomes dissolved in blue-hue. Even the Big One fades
away & there is nothing left on all sides but blue-hue.
Everytime
he holds his breath, the 'popping' noise becomes more distinct, like the
bubbling in a stream. It has an echo to it as tho bursting in the rear
depths of the Cave. It seems to come from somewhere at the tip-top of his
head. It is like a subtle sound in the silence between the breath, in the
silence between thoughts, in the silence at the ultimate source where all
thoughts emerge from. The blue-hue is all there is. It becomes shimmeringly
brighter & brighter. He feels higher & higher. He floats upwards
& outwards thru the tip-top-back of his head. Ecstatically, he makes
the Break- Thru.......
Dog-Star
is in Samadhi. Every cell in his body is tingling with sheer bliss. His
body breathes in quick, shallow gasps as if he were having a perpetual
orgasm. Everything in the phenomenal world outside has disappeared for
him. Everything is pure sheer unadulterated energy. The meditator is identical
with the object of meditation.
Dogstar feels
a tremendous amount of energy rippling upwards from the base of his spine
to the tip-top of his head. He focuses all his soul-energy at the tip-top
of his head. It feels as tho there is a fountain of light gushing from
there. There are spooky sounds in the Void beyond the boundary of his skull.
He cannot feel his physical body at all. It is absolutely still, absolutely
motionless. Something tells him that this is the way out. He feels like
he is rising, like he is floating slightly above the tip- top of his head.
It is like going out thru a secret back door. It was there all along, but
he never noticed it until now. Dogstar is rising. There is tingling ultra-violet
light everywhere. Everything is made out of this light. Everything is different
manifestations of this light. He looks below. There is the tip-top of his
head. He is outside the body. The body is sitting very still in the Cave.
Not a breath comes from the body's nostrils. D.S. is exhilerated. D.S.*
is free. D.S. is no longer bound to the physical world & all its confining
rules. D.S. can go anywhere it** wishes.
* Disembodied
Soul
** The Disembodied
Soul is neither male nor female, so it is neuter.
D.S.
takes one last look at the body it has lived in for so very long. Whew,
what a long, involved physical incarnation that one was! How good it is
to be free at last! D.S. finds it is no longer subject to the same laws
of gravitation that a physical body is. D.S. floats out the door of the
Cave. Tho no longer in a physical body & the senses which come with
it, D.S. finds that the physical world still appears more or less the same.
Maybe it's out of habit of the perceptory apparatus. The only difference
is that everything is tinged with hues of blue. D.S. takes a last look
at the physical body it was stuck inside for so long. The physical body
is rooted right where it was. It's hard to tell whether it's still alive
or not. But no matter - D.S. is just glad to be rid of it - sort of like
leaving a piece-of-shit lemon car that has broken down one time too many
to rust along the side of the highway. D.S. sees the opportunity for sheer
freedom & goes for it. It rises upwards into the sky to frolic with
the cirrus clouds miles above. There is the Big One below, whitish blue.
D.S. is rising. D.S. is miles above. D.S. sees a far more panoramic view
of it all than ever before while still in a body. D.S. can see all the
way up to Maine, all the way down to New Jersey. D.S. rises even higher
to the edge of the Earth's atmosphere, where there is no longer daylight
in the sky except below. D.S. is flying like a kite in the farthest reaches
of the stratosphere. D.S. goes beyond the last molecules of gas. D.S. observes
below the One Whole World. It is such a beautiful blue with spirals of
white on the surface. It is the most beautiful planet in the whole solar
system. D.S. can barely see the sprawling cities from up here - there are
only faint patches of grey-blue at the expected places & a few straight
lines here & there. There are no national or state boundaries from
up here. D.S. floats around, getting into it. Then D.S. gets curious. If
it can get away with going this far, why not go even further beyond?
D.S.
has become transformed into Dogstar again. He is in some sort of surrogate
body, similar to the one he had before, a male body. There is still sensation
from it, but it feels lighter somehow. It has solidity, but it is partially
transparent. It seems to be some other level of existence here. Maybe his
old physical body has packed it in & he is going into the realms beyond.
It's odd - it's beyond the physical world, yet it seems to have many of
the same attributes & coordinates as the physical world. It is the
level where dreams become instantly transformed into reality (whatever
that is). lights up & the movie starts to roll:
The name of
the movie is "DOGSTAR". The subject of the movie is Dogstar's
past life. The producer of the movie is Dogstar. The main actor is Dogstar.
And now here is Dogstar watching his own movie, the only patron of it.
He's the one who made it - now he's the one who has to watch it.
Dogstar watches
"DOGSTAR". He sees the unwilling baby come wailing out of the
womb. He sees the child on the beach day-dreaming about what it will become
when it grows up. He sees the kid in grade school reading a book on philosophy.
He sees the boy-kid & the girl-kid putting their private organs together
for the first time. He sees the young teenager getting drunk for the first
time, smoking dope for the first time, tripping its brains out for the
first time. He sees political aspirations & dreams for a better world.
He sees someone put in jail for his non-conformist beliefs. He sees someone
bravely talking back to the draft board. He sees a shaved-headed young
man running through the obstacle course of a boot-camp. He sees someone
shit-faced on a furlough in a topless bar. He sees someone flying across
the Pacific Ocean to a strange distant land. He sees people with yellow
skins & slanted eyes being mercilessly gunned down. He hears someone
yelling: "FIRE! FIRE! FIRE!", & he sees someone pulling a
trigger on a flame-thrower. He sees a body going up in flames. He hears
people cheering with exultation that the order-giver is dead. He sees them
being gunned down by the people with yellow skin & slanted eyes. He
sees someone rejected by his own species crawling along through rice-paddies,
hoping he will not be seen. He sees man-eating tigers, huge jungle leaves,
high mountains in the distance. Someone is dying on a mountainside. He
sees Llang Llong again, stating: "Nothing is what it seems to be."
Someone is sitting at the feet of the Master. Someone is meditating, seeking
for a way out, staring for hours at a spot on the wall. The Master is telling
him the Secrets of the Universe. The main character of the movie is seeing
mountains as not-quite- mountains anymore. He sees someone saying to him:
"And now you must go back to experience what's there. We cannot remain
in our ivory towers of enlightenment forever, you know. We must re-pay
our debt to our existence." He sees someone wandering bewildered through
the streets of Saigon, un-comprehending of all the frantic hub-bub that
is going on. There is someone in a white suit pacing up & down the
whitewashed rooms, while a madman shrieks in ecstasy under the fiery wire:
"Nothing you can do can hurt Me! Nothing you can do can affect Me!
I am Electricity Itself! I am Everything & Nothing!" He sees someone
released on the streets, wondering what to do, wondering where to go. There
is someone throwing up over the balconies of a college dormitory, sitting
bored stiff through a Philosophy of Religion course, scribbling notes in
his notebook: "What am I doing here? What is the purpose of my existence?"
He is riding in a boxcar with some bums across the countryside. The bums
are drinking rot-gut puke-wine & arguing about the existence of God.
This is such a long, long movie; it seems to be going on for hours &
hours, for days & days, for years & years, for eternities &
eternities. There are a lot of re-runs, recapitulations, juxta- positions.
There's someone wandering into a strange New England town on a motorbike.
His name is "DOGSTAR", the main character of this movie. He sees
Dogstar washing dishes in the back-room of 'Cloud 9 Lounge'. He sees someone
getting drunk in a cottage, popping pills & smoking dope, listening
to Pink Floyd & Eno on headphones by candlelight. A topless waitress
is groaning & gasping & moaning as he fingers her, as he licks
her clit, as he pushes his tongue way up inside her. There are dozens &
dozens of close-ups of her cunt, of the pained-pleasure look on her face.
It has become one long interminable pornographic X-rated blue movie with
no screen-breaks at all. Meanwhile, there is a guy standing in a fire tower,
watching the sun set behind blue, blue mountains. He chants an invocation
to the parting of the sun, towards the coming of the night. The hills are
colorful with golden-red as the dude rides up a long steep slope on his
little motor-bike. It seems as though he has been riding up that same hill
for years. Somebody is cruising through the bars, selling pills & potions
to the highest bidder. He is both the seducer & the seduced. He plays
the game to the utmost; he tries things unheard of. He is wading ankle-deep
through the snow. Meanwhile, a truck comes roaring around the corner &
deals his beloved motorbike the final blow - the shards & fragments
crunch & crumple like an old beer can getting stomped on - the whole
cookie is crumbling - the scene is crashing. He is walking through the
streets trying to lose the ones who are following him. There is no escape
anywhere. The topless waitress moans & groans & gasps. He fills
the needle with the strange pacifying potion & injects it into his
main vein. He lays back in bliss as he rips a thousand dollars off the
dresser. He moans & gasps & groans as he comes, the silver spurts
shooting high into the sky. She scratches his back; she inserts sticky
fingers into the crack of his ass. Meanwhile, he is sitting by the shores
of a huge clear lake, watching the gentle waters lap against the rocky
shore. He is smashing all the mirrors in Cloud 9 Lounge. Then there is
a close-up of the all-devouring cunt as the blue veins of an engorged reproductive
organ go into it & out of it. He pawns diamonds to a suspicious jeweler.
Everywhere he goes, the three Japanese are following him. Laughing his
head off, he pours vodka all over the floor everywhere & sets fire
to it. He roars with boisterous glee as he smashes every dish in the place.
There is a scene of someone lying comatose on a single bed, a puddle of
blue bile on the cigarette-stained floor beside it. There are night-mares,
infinite tunnels everywhere. She shudders & comes. She holds him tight
& tells him she loves him. Beware of the all-devouring cunt - it'll
take you back every- time. Meanwhile, he is washing piles & piles of
dishes - there is no end in sight. All is covered all around with ice frozen
on top of more ice. He is wandering along some railroad tracks, leaving
it all behind. Some bums drinking rot-gut puke-wine in a moving boxcar
are arguing about the existence or non-existence of God. There is someone
sitting in an abadoned cabin writing in a journal. He is renouncing the
whole world - he is determined to make it this time. He is fasting, he
is meditating, he is learning how to get high without drugs. He is running
up & down hills. Someone is sitting high in an unknown Cave, breathing
very deeply, trying to get off the Damned Wheel. There is a big mountain
over there in the distance. He sees the Door wide open in the tip- top
of his head. He slips thru & escapes. There is a body sitting in suspended
animation on the floor of the Cave, eyes wide open, not moving, not the
slightest hint of breath. All boundaries dissolve...
But this is
not the end of it. The movie "DOGSTAR" loops around back to the
beginning & starts all over again. An unwilling babe comes wailing
out of its mother's womb as the partiers cheer him on. A child is sitting
on the beach wondering what it is going to be when it grows up. A kid in
grade school is pondering over a college textbook on philosophy. A boy-kid
& a girl-kid figure out how it all comes together, what binds us here
again & again. A young teenager is out behind the junior high school
sneaking his first joint between classes. He is tripping his brains out
watching the sunrise. He dreams of a better world, then gets drafted. The
whole thing is happening all over again in endless loops & re-runs
& cycles. There is no end to it all. God, do we really have to do this
all over again? Again? Again!?
The
film called "DOGSTAR" comes to an abrupt halt. The theater lights
snap on. Standing up on the stage is the Devil. Next to him is his faithful
assistant & side-kick, Pan. The Devil has three eyes, the third eye
in the center of the forehead, an old goat's head, a human upper torso,
& hairy haunches with cloven feet. Pan has a similar lower torso, a
human upper torso, a human face with glittering amused eyes, little horns
coming out of his furry head, & cute pointy ears. The Devil has a very
somber expression on his face. Pan keeps snickering & sniggering.
The Devil
speaks: "Well, O Disembodied Soul, what do you think of this lifetime
which has just transpired. Give us your honest opinion."
Pan giggles.
Dogstar replies:
"Well, I don't know. None of it makes very much sense to me. It hits
me as a rather poorly done low-grade comedy with a nebulous nonsensical
& confusing plot. The director & creator of this nefarious &
asinine garbage obviously didn't have his shit together. It appears as
if he must have been half-drunk, constantly stoned, or sleep-walking while
making it."
Pan: "Ha.
Ha. Ha."
The Devil:
"Can you point out any redeeming features at all in this life you
have just lived?"
Dogstar (defensively):
"Well, I tried, didn't I? At least, I was trying at the end."
The Devil:
"Yes, but it was too late by then. You waited too long. Besides, you
didn't try hard enough. Your 'trying' was like a token effort, small worthless
change in the bum's plate."
Pan: "Otherwise
you wouldn't even be here, you stupid schuck. Ha. Ha. Ha."
The Devil:
"You were a druggie."
Pan: "You
corrupted the morals of youths."
The Devil:
"You lied & you stole."
Pan: "You'd
do anything to save your own pitiful skin."
The Devil:
"You murdered another human being."
Pan: "You
compromised your own ideals, & that is the most unforgivable one."
The Devil:
"Well, do you dare deny the charges?"
Dogstar (resignedly):
"Well, I suppose you people know what you're doing. But what was that
about murder? I didn't kill anybody. When I was in that war, I did my best
to fire over innocent people's heads."
The Devil:
"Yes, you did. I will refresh your memory: You killed Lt. Jim Jones,
a good man in his own way, bravely fighting for his country & democracy
& white supremacy. Now, that wasn't a very nice thing to do."
Dogstar: "Well,
look, I didn't really mean to do that. He just, you know, got in the line
of fire. I was just following his orders."
Pan (shrieking
with derision): "Liar! Liar! See how the pipsqueak lies to save his
own skin!"
Dogstar: "Now
look, I was killing him so he wouldn't continue to kill others. He was
an asshole, man. He was going around gunning down defenseless women &
children. It was really the only reasonable thing I could do under the
circumstances."
Pan: "Liar!
Liar! See how he lies!"
The Devil
(to Pan): "O, shut up, you." (Back to Dogstar): "That may
very well be true, Dogstar, but that still doesn't excuse you from your
own actions. Don't you remember how earlier on you told the draft board
you were a pacifist. Pacifists don't kill people. Therefore, you not only
compromised your own ideals, you are also a liar."
Pan: "See,
I told you so."
The Devil:
"Not only were you a liar, you were a rascally wastrel. You did virtually
nothing with your life but ingest drugs. You continuously fornicated like
an animal. You did things that not even animals do. Do you deny the charges?"
Dogstar: "Yeah,
all right, so I got a little fucked-up every now & then, so I played
around a bit. I couldn't help it; it was the kind of world I was in. You
see, down there, you're equipped with a body which has these certain over-whelming
urges you've got to gratify. Things are so bad down there, you have to
get stoned-out at least some of the time or you'd never be able to stand
it."
The Devil:
"Yes, that is certainly true, but you were doing it ALL the time.
You wasted your limited mortal life away, Dogstar."
Pan: "Ha!
Ha! Ha! Look at the little worm squirm!"
The Devil:
"Now, you could have been somebody entirely different. You might have
stayed in school & gone on to become something like an inventive scientist
or a perceptive psychologist who would have contributed something to the
world. You might have become a good philosopher or mystic, helping to enlighten
people. But instead, you wasted your life away on sex, drugs, & rock
& roll. You blew it, Dogstar."
Pan (eagerly
jumping up & down): "Watch the little worm squrim!"
Dogstar: "Well,
look, you have to admit I was trying there close to the end. Like, I was
meditating, I was fasting, I was trying to get my head clear; I was giving
it all up, see? I even attained Samadhi as I was going out."
The Devil:
"ANYBODY can attain Samadhi, Dogstar. It's not that terribly difficult
with the right techniques, & you don't even have to be a very virtuous
person. But not too many can see the Light, then remain behind, & help
others see the Light also. What you were doing there was a cop-out. You're
nothing but a little worm trying to wiggle out of your duties to your existence."
Pan (gleefully):
"See the little worm squrim!"
The Devil:
"Now, Dogstar, the final question in this Trial, in which no-one judges
you but your Higher Self, is:
"Is there
anything you did at all during your brief lifetime to make the world a
better place, rather than always seeking to gratify selfish desires?"
Dogstar: "Well...
No, not really."
Pan: "What
a selfish squirming little worm!"
The Devil:
"Thus, is there any reason at all that you should not be condemned
to burn summarily in Hell for subjective eternities upon eternities?"
Pan (shreiking):
"Burn! Burn! You little squirming worm!"
Dogstar: "Well,
it seems way out of proportion to what I actually did, but I suppose not."
The Devil:
"Then, in that case, I will sentence you, Disembodied Soul, to burn
& burn in the Eternal Fire, until all that is your personality is burned
to ashes."
Pan (eagerly
dancing around both of them in circles): "Burn, baby, burn!"
Dogstar
is being led in handcuffs down a long, long corridor going down, down,
down into the bowels of the Earth. Two demons are sadistically goading
him on with spears. They enjoy their work a lot. Closer & closer he
approaches: he can hear the roar of the Eternal Fires crackling & popping.
It is getting hotter & hotter. The walls are red-hot down here, nearly
at the melting point of becoming lava.
"You
gonna fry yo' ever-loving ass down there, boy," says one of the demons.
"Yessirree,
you gonna burn & you gonna burn & you gonna burn & burn, until
there ain't no more of you to burn no more," says the other demon,
prodding his rear end with the tip of the spear, drawing a bit of blood.
There doesn't
seem to be much point in replying or begging for mercy under the circumstances.
They push him on to the edge of the precipice which is the shore of the
Great Lake of Fire, & they give him the final prod to go over.
"Well,
bad luck, boy," says one of the demons.
"Yeah,
there ain't no mama what's gonna get you out of da jam which you's heading
into," says the other.
Laughing,
they return up the corridor to collect some more Damned Souls, of which
there are plenty to choose from.
O, how hot
& stifling are the lapping Flames! The pain is utterly unbearable,
yet the Damned Soul somehow retains some sort of consciousness. In spite
of himself, he shreiks & shreiks, along with the shreiking of billions
of other Damned Souls. The collective shreiking & the roaring flames
all thunder together like the sound of a Great Ocean of Pain. There is
absolutely no hope; it goes on & on & on.
Then a Voice
speaks within him: "Know Thou, O Damned Soul, O Disembodied One, all
this is but a Creation of Thy Very Own Mind. Watch & observe carefully."
The Fire burns
him & burns him until he becomes One with the Fire. Since he is the
Fire, it can no longer hurt him. All the impurities of the outer false
personality are burned away. Only the Essence is left.
D.S. (Distilled
Essence) rises above the Eternal Fires of Purification as a fine, ethereal
mist to the Heavens above & beyond.
D.S.
has a sense as if coming back to a long-lost Paradise.
When D.S.
lands on the surface of the purplish-colored planet (the sky there is purple
rather than blue), it is greeted by a tall, graceful Being which wears
a shimmering silver cloak & has silver wings.
"Welcome
to Heaven, O Disembodied Spirit," the graceful Being benignly greets
it. "You are now free to rest from your mortal sojourn. At last, you
can reap your well-deserved rewards."
"I don't
understand," says D.S. "What did I do to deserve this?"
"You
did what you could, D.S., under what we would consider the most difficult
of conditions. We consider the world where you came from to be the uttermost
Hell. Your world is the Pit of the Universe, compared to most other inhabited
worlds. We, as Highly Exalted as we are, could hardly have done better
than you did. At least, you did try to be a good person, which can't be
said about a lot of others. So, relax, D.S., enjoy, enjoy."
D.S. is taken
to the Central Processing Station where he is given his previous body in
the prime of life & the best of health. He is given his previous name.
He is all back together again in one piece. Options are a beautiful pair
of silver wings & an incredible multi-channel harp with astounding
celestial sounds, but Dogstar declines. Getting off the Earth is good enough.
Dogstar wanders
through-out Heaven, checking it all out. He sees former business executives,
U.S. presidents, Grand-Masons, college professors, born-again church leaders,
Muslim fanatics, movie stars, all the various virtuous & upright people
of society basking in the Glory of Heaven. You can have anything you want
here - all you have to do is wish for it & it's yours. The only catch
is, is it has to be approved by the Higher Authorities, so it tends to
be a bit bland. It all seems too easy somehow. The only thing you are really
required to do in return is attend choir practice every now & then
(be sure to be on time or you might get docked from Heaven a few days)
& sing praises & benedictions to the Supreme Benefactor (be sure
to stay in tune & act like you love it, or you may get docked from
Heaven for awhile). Something somehow didn't seem right about it all.
In the midst
of another one of the endless mandatory choir practices, a Voice speaks
within him: "Know Thou, O Disincarnated One, that this, too, is but
a Creation of Thy Very Own Mind. Observe dispassionately & be not led
astray from the True Way."
Dogstar finally
begins to catch on. Watching the whole scene very carefully, he notices
that it disappears when he looks directly at it. Both Hell & Heaven
turn out to be mass-hallucinations, seeming manifestations of one's worst
fears or grandest delusions. If this is so, then that means he can create
his own world in this state of existence, an alternative to both.
Immediately,
he wipes away the whole Heaven scene, like a painter white-washing the
canvas to start all over again. There, that's better. He re-creates just
the sort of world he always wanted to live in. He is amazed at the sort
of Power he always had, but never knew about until now.
He is the
only sapient inhabitant of this world. There are no dangerous animals,
just cuddly, tame furry creatures. Just for variety, the plants have purple
rather than green leaves, with mult-colored fruits which satisfy all hunger-needs
perfectly. There are three suns in the sky above, which rise & set
at differing times, so there is never any night. He is all alone on this
world; he has nothing to be afraid of. The air is always 70 degrees or
so, just right.
Every now
& then, he creates a Perfect Woman to gratify to the utmost any physical
desires he might fantasize about gratifying. Sometimes, as a variation,
he makes her a nature-spirit, &, instead of physical intercourse, they
merge their spirits into one another. Other times, he dispenses with physical
desire altogether; there's no real need for it in this world.
He sits by
sparkling streams perfectly content to be there forever. He climbs mountains
of his own making, looking out over views of his own creation. He floats
into the air & drifts with the wind, a perfectly care-free spirit-being.
Everywhere he goes, he can hear celestial music in the air, inside himself.
It is all so utterly beautiful. And it's all his. Nobody can take it away
from him. He can be here forever & ever, if he so chooses.
Yet, even
here, something is missing.
Dogstar has
explored his planet many times over. He has been there for what seems to
have been years & years, tho there is no 'time' in this realm. Many
times has the purple planet circled in conjuction with the three suns.
He has tasted to the utmost the joys he has created for himself. Now he
seeks something else. But he doesn't quite know what it is.
He wanders
through an orchard & sits under a fruit tree on top of a high hill.
He eats some of the fruit & gazes out over the view. He hears the ever-constant
celestial background music & ponders on his situation.
"I have
created the most perfect possible world for myself & yet it is not
enough," he says to himself out-loud. "There must be something
more to life than even this."
"I'm
glad you brought that up," says someone from nearby his right. It
is strange. Dogstar believed that he was the only one on this planet. He
looks over to his right & who does he see but Llang Llong sitting under
the next tree.
"Llang
Llong!" exclaims Dogstar. "What are you doing here, of all places?
I thought you were long gone."
Llang Llong
smiles & shakes his head. "I was wondering how long it would take
you to reach this point, to come to the conclusion you have just come to."
"Llang
Llong, tell me, why did I have to go through all that I have gone through?
Why did I have to suffer for so long? Why wouldn't it have been possible
for me to find out what I now know way back there then when I was with
you in the monastery on that mountain in Cambodia? What was it all for?"
"It is
all for the sake of experience. You must experience many things before
you are ready to go beyond; otherwise, you would never be able to adequately
appreciate it. It is all a Dream, you see. This is all a Dream of the Cosmic
Mind & you are the Dreamer. It is all but a Show, a Divine Game. All
we are required to do is play out our respective roles, then only at the
Final Awakening can we discard our masks & laugh at what we thought
we were. It is all quite 'real' while it is happening, then at the End
you discover that it is all as if it were nothing."
"But
if that is so," says Dogstar, "then why did it need to come into
existence at all? For once & for all, what is the purpose of this whole
She-Bang anyway?"
"Ah,
you have asked the best possible question you could possibly ask, the question
you were inevitably going to ask. The Answer could have been revealed to
you long before, but It wasn't. You needed to experience the very depths
of despair & degradation before you could fully appreciate It. It is
as if the groundwork for the Joke must be laid, before you can 'get' the
Punchline."
Llang Llong
lay back against the tree. He made himself comfortable. He munched on a
fruit. After a long silence, he said:
"Dogstar,
I am going to tell you a long, long Story. It is the most important &
most profound Story in the entire Universe, because that's what this Story
is about, the Story of the Universe. It took us billions & billions
of Earth-years just to get to where we are now. To truly know the Final
Answer to the Question of Questions, you must hear this Story. Just to
help you visualize this Story a bit better, you will do more than merely
listen, you will re-experience the Whole Thing. You will BE the Story as
it unfolds, as indeed you already have. You must live through & fully
experience each phase of: